Be gentle with yourself.

CD $#!&.

I haven't updated in awhile (a month actually) but I guess I'm better late than never.

This is a post to let anyone who might read or follow this blog that A and I will be taking a break for just a little bit. Life happened, and we need to step back and take some time for ourselves.

I'm fine, he's fine, but life is a bit of a blur right now! When I'm back, hopefully I'll be a little better than ever.


To those still in this crazy journey, I wish you patience, hope and the unwavering stubbornness of a person who will NOT give up on a dream, and one who will never give up on themselves.


                    

-J

Do what frightens you.

CD14/IUI Day!

Our original plan of IUI happening on the 19th backfired. The last two months on Femara + Menopur I was ready to ovulate by CD11.. Not this time! I went in Thursday the 17th (CD10) to have my follicles checked. My lining was superb! 13mm! Woo!

And much to my surprise, instead of the huge follicles I was used to seeing by now, I got two 11mm's on my right ovary, plus a 14mm on my right, and one 16mm on my left. My normal ultrasound tech, January, said that I was super early in my cycle and those numbers were perfect for where I was at. I tried not to panic! She said Dr. would look over my ultrasound and call me by the end of the day with my plan.

He called of course, and I had to take all five of my menopur injections for the first time ever. So I continued with the next two days, and triggered at 10:40pm on Saturday, April 19th.

Anyway, onward to today (IUI day). A had to be at the clinic at 8:40am to do his business, which he ROCKED by the way!! Proud wife moment right here - Before wash he had 159 million men at a 56% motility rate. After washing there were 81 million, and the ones that made the final cut to be injected?! 38.1 million with an 80% motility rate!

Also, January had said my follicles would continue to grow through the trigger shot til they released their eggs so that would have put our 16mm at 24, our 14mm at 22, AND she said there was the possibility that my 11's kept growing and became beautiful 18-20mm's! So I know there are two good follies that released, and a chance of FOUR!

I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up - 6+ years of this, and NEVER in my life seeing a real BFP, I just have serious doubts that we will ever be parents. Sometimes, I'm kind of a drag. =/

But, I am ridiculously optimistic, but 110% cautious. Fingers crossed!

-J

There will be miracles.

CD5.

Its Saturday, the 12th today! A is finaaaally home from Atlanta, and he's now a certified yard master! Woo! I flew down this past Tuesday to be with him on his ride back up and because I couldn't stand not being with him anymore. I missed him soo much!

Anyway, this will be a short update. Last cycle was, obviously, a bust. Third time was NOT a charm for us, but that's okay. I WAS three days late for my cycle, but I believe taking pain meds and antibiotics for having kidneys stones (again) and a terrible bladder infection may have been a factor in the lateness; and even though I didn't feel pregnant, my doctors office let me get a beta blood test anyway. Obviously, negative.

We are pretty much on the same plan as the previous two months - Femara 5mg CD3-7, Menopur injections 7-11, but this time? We'll be doing IUI as long as we have two good follicles! FINALLY!

I had two awesome follicles last month, a 22mm and an 18mm, so we're hoping for the same, or some that are even better this month! My body responds really well to both these meds, and I'm thankful for that.

So CD11 (Friday, the 18th) I'll be going in for my follicle scan, and hopefully in for IUI on the 19th.

All I can do now is hope the meds continue working, and hope that crossing my fingers as hard as I can counts for something.

-J

Love harder than any pain you've ever felt.

3DPO.
I had my ultrasound last Friday the 21st (CD10). I had an 18mm follicle on my right ovary and a *drum roll* 22mm on my left! Woohooo! Days ahead of schedule too! So instead of doing my last two days of Menopur injections, they told me to go ahead and trigger that night! So I gave myself the injection at 6pm.

A drove home from Atlanta to pick me up for the weekend - He got home around 1:30am. We left the same day at 9:30am to head to Columbus for his bowling tournament. Got to Atlanta around 2:30am on Monday morning.

Annnd I just got home from my flight a few minutes ago. Our dogs were super happy to see me :)

Anyway, even though I triggered, I'm not sure if I ovulated on the 22nd or the 23rd like I'm supposed too after the trigger. I was having a lot of abdominal pressure/pain and cramping on the 22nd but I had the same effects on the 23rd. Since I triggered though and you're supposed to ovulate 36hrs after the shot, I'm counting the 23rd as O day, which puts me at 3DPO. 

I actually had to sit and think about what day I was on, which is wonderful. The best way to keep my mind off of what may or may not be happening down there. 

Now I just have to keep myself busy for 14 days, until I fly back down to be with A.

I left half my heart in Atlanta, and I cannot wait until it's whole again.

-J

Where there is love, there is hope.

CD 3. 

Femara cycle #3. Calling RE today to get my prescription, then we'll have the same plan as last time, except I'll be going in for my ultrasound on CD10 instead of 12 since I ovulated on CD11 last time. 

A will be leaving on Sunday for Atlanta, then he'll be driving back up here next Friday to get me, then we'll go to Columbus for his Bowling tournament, then we'll drive back down to Atlanta together, and on Tuesday morning, I'll jump on a plane to Detroit to come home. I know, sounds confusing, but we planned it this way, since I'll be ovulating that weekend, so we can hopefully time it perfectly! 

Fingers crossed. 

-J

I am half agony, half hope.

10DPO
Its about 2am so I'm now considered 10dpo! I'm still continuing with my DPO Progesterone symptoms, as I wanted to know when they start to fade so I can be prepared for next cycle, and not 'symptom spot' so much. It has made this two week wait that much slower. Anyway, here goes!

3/5/14: 7DPO - Kept waking up due to being so hot, and sweating a lot. Woke up twice due to nightmares. They were awful. Later in the day, had a low grade migraine. Had a sharp pain that started on the left side of my uterus and ended on the other side. Was SO quick, I wouldn't have noticed it had I not of woken up from the first nightmare. Very very mild cramping. Nothing like AF pain. Acne is still being awesome to my face. My breasts are still mildly tender, but fading. Nipples are sensitive. Finally noticing a very small amount of CM. Tired, but chalking this up to waking up so much and the nightmares. Very moody, and so irritable.

3/6/14: 8DPO - This sounds so stupid in words, but while driving home from my allergy appt., had a weird 'wave' like feeling happen in uterus. Honestly, felt like an orca did a flip in there, and created a wave. That's really the best way to describe it. On and off very mild cramping, and acne is starting to diminish. Bloat is still raging on. Had mild heartburn, still tired, was gassy (probably from poor food choice), and had several headaches through out the day. Breasts are no longer tender, but nipples still feel sensitive. Still have a small amount of CM. Still very irritable and moody. I'm snapping at my poor husband for minor things like making me repeat myself 4 times and I normally do not do that.

3/7/14: 9DPO - Symptoms are definitely on their way out! Sensitive and itchy nipples, and just have an overall heavy feeling in my uterine area. Ovaries keep giving me very mild pains intermittently. CM is still present but very slight, just like usual when AF is on her way. Having very mild cramping again today. I think I've had mild cramping every day since O. Still WAY lighter than AF ever feels. Still ridiculously bloated, probably where the heavy feeling is coming from. Still moody, a bit gassy (again food choices), minor headaches, and have a backache today, but chalking that up to so much walking at work the last three days.

And there's that for now! I woke up a bit ago, and wiped and there were two extremely tiny pink lines on my TP, but A and I did "get together" earlier, so I'm guessing that maybe because I wasn't very accommodating, that he tore something. Definitely not feeling like it was IB or anything. I wouldn't even test until AF shows up if I didn't have to, but I need to be able to get my order in so my injections get here on time.

I feel out this cycle. Like 70/30. 70 being agony, 30 being hope. I guess no matter what, hope really IS all we have left sometimes.

-J

Make your life worth loving.

6DPO.
I just wanted to update quick with the last three days of progesterone symptoms. Still waiting for them to fade away - I'm guessing within the next few days, then AF symptoms will take over. Usually about 4-5 days before she shows. I might not even notice when they switch over! Guess we'll see!

P.S. - If you're reading this, leave a comment - Let me know you stopped by! I would love that! Lets me know I'm not alone in this. :)

3/2/14: 4DPO - I am SUPER irritable today. Everything is making me angry. Extremely moody/cranky. Still having what I think are cramps. Nothing like AF, only really notice them when I'm sitting. Not discomforting or painful. Just there really. My breasts are still itchy, just not as bad. Still very sensitive and tender. Despite not drinking much, I was peeing a LOT today. Seemed like every half hour for a few hours. I had kidney stones not too long ago, and I believe one is trying to pass - I'm blaming frequent urination on this fact. Had a lower backache, guessing its from sitting here for awhile typing notes. Really tired still. Very nauseous, especially after eating and drinking anything with flavor to it (cran-grape juice). Still have minor bloating, and horrible heartburn.
3/3/14: 5DPO - Nausea, VERY moody again today, still having extremely minor cramping. Again, really do not notice unless I'm sitting. Sometimes when I cough, my ovary is painful. Not sure what that is about. Still tired, but I can't sleep for long periods today, so I'm chalking fatigue up to that. Still having horrible heartburn. Nothing seems to stop it. Very mildly bloating (expecting this to be gone in a day or so), breasts are still tender to the touch, and sensitive, but do not seem to be that itchy.
3/4/14: 6DPO - Have a pressure down low today. Still mildly bloated, just feeling heavy really. Had more acne pop up today. I never get acne except on medicated cycles. Woke up with cramping, found out it was due to (tmi) gas. Still having horrible heartburn, not as much as yesterday. Thinking it might be dairy products that add to it. Have a lower backache, still tired. Breasts are still sensitive, and the sides are painful today. Itchiness has returned. Still getting nauseous after eating and drinking things with flavor. Doesn't last long. Very quick - Maybe 30mins or so. 

Just like my last tww, this one is going as equally slow. Maybe even more slow if that's possible. I had to go to an allergy doctor the other day due to a re-occurring rash on my neck, so I have a patch allergy test on my back and the masking tape they put on to hold it in place is super irritating and itchy. That gets taken off tomorrow and I cannot wait. 

A was supposed to leave for training this upcoming Sunday, but will not be leaving the 16th instead. I'm kind of glad. At least if I ended up pregnant this cycle, he might be able to come with me to my first ultrasound. My RE likes to do an ultrasound after confirmation (beta testing) to make sure everything looks good before he releases patients to their regular OB. 

I'm so hopeful this is it. Its been such a long hard road.

-J

Expectation is the root of all heartache.

3DPO.

I've been feeling pretty terrible since my ultrasound. I've been SO mad that my body finally decided to do something "right," and ovulate on its own. I was SO ready to do IUI. 

With A leaving in 9 days for 4wks (for his new positions training period) if this doesn't work this month I'm going to be so so angry, and I won't have him here to support me through yet another failed cycle. That makes me so anxious.

A HAS been making me feel better though and giving me more hope than I should have since we somehow "accidentally" timed being together perfectly. It seriously could not have been better timing.. Even the nurse practitioner said the same thing. Sperm should have been up there just waiting for that egg. All the comments she said about my lining makes me feel better as well. I am VERY cautiously hopeful.

I will say that I have ovulation symptoms and I know for sure I've never experienced these in all our years of trying! So, for the sake of things, and myself, I've decided to write down all of my DPO symptoms just so I can be ready for whatever the next cycle brings(I have to know whats normal for my body or I'll spend all day obsessing about every little thing).

*EDIT: These symptoms are from Progesterone. NOT pregnancy! To my knowledge, a fertilized egg wouldn't have had the time to implant yet!
So here it goes, beginning with ovulation day!
2/26/14: Ovulation day! 1:30am - SEVERE pain in both ovaries and abdomen, it actually felt like my abdomen was 20x its original size. Super bloated.. Hurt to walk. Had to take Tylenol since I was at work.
2/27/14: 1DPO - (Ultrasound confirms early ovulation) My boobs are SO sensitive and tender. They itch like crazy - Not sure if that's a sign or if the weather here is causing them to dry out (much like my face!). Had slight "cramping," feels centralized to my ovaries. Still bloated, and had a TERRIBLE headache. I read online these are all symptoms (minus the itchy breasts) of ovulation, so guessing its progesterone that's causing me to feel like this.
2/28/14: 2DPO - Very moody today. Mad about everything (the early ovulation makes me angry). Feel nauseous when I eat, still bloated, breasts are still tender and very sensitive. Still VERY itchy. Still having slight twinges (cramps?) in my abdomen (maybe due to bloat?). Still super tired no matter how long I sleep. Actually fell asleep in the car while going to get food with A. Headaches. TMI, but also gassy. And I am NOT a gassy person unless you count burps.
3/1/14: 3DPO - Still having twinges (or cramps), still having that full bloated feeling in my lower abdomen (uterine area), still a tad nauseous, can't seem to eat as much as usual, breast are still tender, sensitive, but not as itchy as the last two days. Still very tired, falling asleep on the couch and had two naps today.

And that's it so far. Its 12:01am here, so I'm now considering myself 4DPO. I'm going to continue to track my DPO symptoms to see if and when they go away before AF starting showing signs of coming. I'm expecting my period way earlier than I've ever expected her since I ovulated early. I usually always have a 14 day luteal phase, so that would put me at March 12th or 13th for a cycle start. 

Somehow, I'm still crossing my fingers she doesn't come, even though it seriously seems impossible.

 

-J

Someday, its gonna make sense.

CD 12.
I had my ultrasound to check my follicle growth this morning, and I left work early so I could shower and such beforehand.The ultrasound was at 8:20 and I seriously love my RE's Nurse Practitioner. She is so sweet, and even offered to take extra photos for me if there were good follicles so A could see them, since he wasn't able to get off work in time to come with me.

Crazy thing is, I had the terrible abdominal pain very early in the morning on the 26th, (I was at work at the time) and I actually had to go downstairs to take some Tylenol to relieve the pain. My ovaries hurt so bad! After about an hour, the pain was gone, and by the time the tylenol wore off, the pain was gone. I haven't felt ANYTHING down there since.

I texted A this morning that I had the worst feeling that I ovulated early because of that pain, and my ovaries were not hurting like they were last month on just the Femara. 

Anyway, back to my ultrasound - My lining was "absolutely perfect," (in the nurse practitioner's own words). Next she checked my right ovary - Not a single follicle in sight. Nothing. There was a tiny what she called 'cyst' that could have had a follicle, but just didn't grow. So we went over to the left!

And there was nothing. There were empty sacs, and she called them "corpus luteum." Here's a quick explanation I found online about what a corpus luteum is:

"The corpus luteum, which means yellow body in Latin, is what is left of the follicle after a woman ovulates. During the follicular phase of a woman’s cycle, several follicles develop under the influence of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). Each follicle contains an egg. In a typical cycle only one egg will become mature enough for ovulation. When a woman ovulates the egg will burst from the follicle. Then what is left of the follicle will become the corpus luteum.
The corpus luteum produces progesterone. Progesterone makes the lining of the uterus thick for implantation and is necessary to sustain a healthy pregnancy. The corpus luteum produces progesterone until the placenta begins to take over progesterone production around ten weeks gestation."


So basically, from what she saw today, she thinks I ovulated yesterday, probably at the time I was having the bad pain in my abdomen, and from the looks of the corpus luteum's, and the thickness of my lining, she thinks it was a REALLY good egg, and that my body realized it as such and decided to do what it's supposed to do, and release it. So I guess that's good news, but I'm hitting myself for turning down A's advances yesterday because I was thinking about him having a good count if we got to go through with an IUI. We did "get together" twice on Tuesday, so now all I get to do is cross my fingers that somehow there were dudes up there fighting to fertilize that 'good' egg. 

I feel like I'm searching for hope in the dark now, and yet, I know I'll just continue to keep looking.

 -J

We're not broken, just bent.

CD7.
I started my menopur injections today - It went.. well. I seriously just hate needles! Of course, A had to give it to me once again! I think he secretly likes to do it, haha. 

I got a SUPER awesome surprise on Friday when I called our insurance companies pharmacy to pay for the Ovidrel shot + the Menopur. I previously thought it would be around $500 for three months worth, which would be roughly $167 a month.

Not so. We ended up paying $46.67 for one month, plus two extra vials of Menopur. I was shocked. Excited, but totally shocked. I am SO thankful that our insurance company covers this. Such a huge weight off my shoulders! So we celebrated :)

Here's a photo of what I'm looking at this month - Seems scary!


I don't really have much to update - I know that last cycle, I started getting nauseous after I took my last femara pill, and this cycle I was on day 3 of femara and I started getting sick to my stomach. I sometimes think I feel twinges in my ovaries, but I had that last month as well, and only had one follicle to show for it. So I guess we will see! I hate to say this, but I'm so so hopeful for this cycle. Hope can be your best friend, but it can also be somewhat of a curse. Its kind of the thing that lets me down, but builds me back up month after month.

Right now, its building me up. I'm still crossing my fingers that it doesn't let me fall like so many other things have.

-J

Courage does not always roar.

Last cycles verdict was, as usual, a huge negative. I was technically two days late - But got a negative HPT on Feb. 15th before starting my cycle on Feb. 16. 

I called my RE's office on Monday, and they wanted me to come in on Tuesday to discuss a new plan, which was introducing hMG injections along with the Femara + Ovidrel shot. I made an appt. for Tues. at 2pm and as soon as I got off the phone I began researching hMG injections, and I immediately did NOT like what I was seeing. 

$2000 to $5000 for EVERY cycle? At this point I was defeated, overwhelmed and just tired.
We went to the appt. the next day, and had the consultation with the office's nurse practioner and she was super sweet and very informative. She went over costs, and gave us some other purchasing options - If we went through a specialty pharmacy, we could get the medication for $90 a dose instead of $110 to $200 a dose, and also get the Ovidrel for $110 instead of $150. Any kind of savings is awesome in my opinion. We also asked her about insemination due to Andrew possibly going to Atlanta for an entire month - She told us that would be $408 (not bad at all!) and they would offer the procedure anyway if we had good follicles produced! We might decide to go with that anyway, since she said A's sperm analysis was amazing, and we could have a really good chance with IUI because its usually only offered for both female and male factor infertility. 

We are definitely keeping that in mind. Before the end of the consultation, she told us to call our insurance company to make sure that they would not cover ANY of the costs of the medication before she went ahead and sent in our prescription to the specialty pharmacy.

I didn't expect to get anything at all - but we tried anyway. To my complete and utter shock, they COVER it. We got Menopur for $50 and the Ovidrel for $90. Those prices are for three months! We'll be spending just over $500 for three months of medication (hopefully we won't need three more months) whereas we would have been paying close to $2000 per month. I could not have been more happy yesterday. :) 

I'm pretty excited. I think having a future plan helps the grieving process when you get a BFN. I have something to look forward too, and I have hope to hold on too.


Anyway, the plan is Femara CD3-7, and Menopur CD7-12 possibly to CD13 with Ovidrel on CD12 or CD13. I have an ultrasound on the 27th of this month to see how my follicles are growing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed extra hard.

-J

Dare to dream big.

This feels like the longest 2ww to have ever happened in history. And I am still only 7dpo. I still have an entire week left until testing or a new cycle. Ever since the hospital, I've been itching like crazy to see if the ovidrel shot is out of my system. Must. Show. Restraint.

It does me no good testing now anyway. Most sites say implantation wouldn't happen until at least 9dpo, so if anything came up positive now, it would definitely still be the ovidrel. Whats the point then? 

I've been reaaally sick the past week as mentioned before and out of the days I'm supposed to work, I only worked one day for a grand total of 5hrs and 20minutes before they sent me home on account of looking like death warmed over. I've been really scared about what the medication might do IF there was any action going on down there, so I made sure everything they gave me was pregnancy friendly just in case. I would hate to not error on the side of caution and mess things up! 

I haven't had any 'symptoms' yet - I have noticed a lot more CM this cycle than ever before, but usually only when I wipe (sorry TMI?). My boobs are sore on the sides which is normal for this time. I've had a pulling feeling (not really cramping) that just started today, but again, normal for this time. A is super hopeful for this month, and I think it might just be because he applied for a higher position within his job, and he heard from another guy that helps in the hiring that he got it in a round about way. Basically, the guy saw him, and said 'Hey, aren't you leaving for training soon?' so - I take that as he knows something A doesn't. 

IF he gets the position, though, he will be training in Atlanta, GA for an entire month, which means that's just another month lost for us. I can't even think about being home alone for an entire month. The last time we were away from each other that long was.. 8+ years ago. Scary! It will be really good for him though. He works really hard, so he definitely deserves it! 


Anyway, good luck to everyone still, and never give up on your dream.

-J

Dwell in Possibility.

I updated the look of the blog, which I'm sure you've noticed! I had a little time on my hands, and it IS a new year, so I figured why not.

Aside from re-doing the blog, I've been in pain the last few days - Finally it got to be too much for me to handle, so A took me to the emergency room. I KNEW it had to be kidney stones from the location (I've had them before, but haven't had one in over 2 years!). I told them I was on fertility medication and that if I took a urine test right now, it might come back positive, but they gave one to me anyway.

Of course, it was positive. They decided to take my blood and check to see how much HCG was in my blood stream, and they could make a decision from there if they would follow through with the cat scan to see if the kidney stone was causing a blockage or what. My beta came back at 25, which is right on course for a pregnancy that is about 1 week along, but she also said it could be the trigger so they were not going to do the cat scan. I'm 100% firm that it WAS the trigger, since the pregnancy test came back positive as well. There's no way implantation happened that fast. 

Anyway, their next move was to give me a kidney ultrasound, but I would have to wait until 9am that morning (Basically, they sent me home with pain meds and nausea meds until 9am) and they released me at 1am. By 4:30am I was throwing up (TMI sorry) and couldn't keep any of my pain medication down. The pain was now worse than before, so A took me right back to the ER. We were there for a bit, and finally got my ultrasound which finally showed kidney stones. I left with pain meds, more nausea pills, and a prescription for 'flomax' which helps your tubes connecting the kidney and bladder to open up so stones don't get caught up in there! 

I had an eye doctors appt. yesterday as well, and had taken a pain pill right when we were getting ready to leave. 10 minutes later and I felt like I was going to throw up. I was hoping they would be quick.. Sitting in the room waiting for the Dr. and I was like 'I need that trash now!' - A got the nurse and the nurse grabbed the Dr. to get in my room and make it quick. I'm sooo glad he was understanding since he JUST went through kidney stones himself. My appt. was super quick, which I was thankful for, and I had a photo finish running through the house to the downstairs bathroom to throw up. So, I figured out at this point it was the medication that was causing me to be sick. My family Dr. called me in a different prescription that is waaay better. 


I'm supposed to go back to work tonight, but I don't know if I'll be making it - I'm still queasy and dizzy. I guess we'll see how it goes!

-J

Take every chance. Drop every fear.

Another short post - Just wanted to update! I took my trigger on the 29th of January (CD13) so we're counting today (Feb. 2) as 2dpo! I've had nausea since my last femara pill on Jan. 23rd (CD7), and the day after the trigger, it was 10x worse! Every time I eat I feel like its about to come back up. I read online that sometimes the side effects of the trigger can last up to two weeks after the shot. Maybe if we're lucky it will continue, and we'll finally have a BFP?! 

I'll be totally honest - I am not feeling this cycle. I think it has a LOT to do with this being our first cycle on a new medication, first time using the Ovidrel, etc., and I have read faaaar too many posts about how I shouldn't expect my body to respond the first time I take a new drug. Or maybe its let down after let down after let down that has severely damaged my optimism? Who knows.

I have plans to test on Feb. 14th, since that will be 14DPO, IF my cycle hasn't started.A and I do NOT celebrate Valentines Day, but maybe we could actually have something to celebrate this year. I probably will not test before then, only because of the risk of a false BFP due to the Ovidrel, and because I don't want to psyche myself out. I hate how my heart starts to beat out of my chest every time I take a test, whether or not I even THINK there's a possibility of being pregnant. It makes me anxious to even think about testing right now haha :)

I'm still suuuper nauseous, my nipples are sore, my boobs only hurt when they get smushed against something (a hug, our dogs, etc.). I haven't noticed any fatigue, but my ovaries have hurt like hell. Mainly the left one, which is crazy to me since none of my follicles were a good grade on that side. 

I read online that eating the core of a pineapple (just one slice a day for 5 days) can help with implantation due to the bromelain in it so I figured why not try it! I'll pretty much try anything right now. I tried to eat 1 tiny circular piece of the core starting on 1dpo, but on top of hating pineapples to begin with, I got to the third small bite (trying to choke it down) and actually started to throw up in our kitchen sink. So, I'm going to try the pineapple SLICE today (not the core) since it still has bromelain in it, just not as much, and see how that goes. I figured I'll just choke it down and hope I don't lose it!

Anway - I always leave my posts with a picture and it just so happens that I made the picture for this post, and I pinned it to my infertility board on Pinterest if you want to save it! Its from a book by Kathryn Mackel called 'The Surrogate' - Which isn't too bad so far. Here's my pinterest:
http://www.pinterest.com/jennuuh/
If you follow, I will definitely follow back!


Good luck to everyone still waiting, just like me. 

 (I realize this goes outside the border, but its impossible to read if it doesn't!)

-J


(P.S. Nadine - I wrote in my letter that we don't have postcards here in Toledo, so on the original envelope I had drew a picture on it - Since it got sent back, I had to scrap the original envelope and while I had intentions to do it to the second envelope, I ended up sending it in post office envelope instead. Hopefully it gets to you soon - There is a 'good luck' charm of sorts inside - I hope you like it!)

Doubt kills more dreams than failure.

This is a short post - But I had my CD12 Ultrasound yesterday to see if there were any "good" follicles produced from the Femara I took on CD3-7. My RE decided to skip over 2.5mg and go straight to 5mg. I have definitely felt my ovaries working - They just feel sore and discomforting at times. My left one was hurting worse than the right so I thought for sure I'd have at least one good follicle from it. 

Much to our surprise, we pretty much walked right in for the ultrasound! Trust me when I say, that never happens! I told A to take a picture of the screen if there were any good ones just so we could say we had the very first 'photo' of any baby that might be produced this month! 

Except, I didn't get the news I was REALLY hoping for. I went in SO excited... and was completely shocked that there were at least 10 follicles on my left ovary, but none of them measured over a 10. She went over to the right and there was quite a difference - I saw maybe 3 small ones, but right in the center was the one we were looking for!... except it was only at 16mm. In order to trigger with Ovidrel it needs to be at least 18mm - Not a happy camper. She said that your follicles grow 2mm a day after they hit 12mm so my 16 should be a good 18 by today (1/29/14). She showed our pictures (A totally forgot to take pictures - Probably due to my unhappy/unpleasant facial expressions) to our RE, and he said to definitely have me trigger tonight. So, I'll be poking myself in the stomach tonight at 8pm, so that I ovulate around 8am on 1/31/14. 

I have my fingers crossed so tight.

Just please let this work (finally).

-J

Do not lose yourself in your fear.

A new year is always a time for resolutions. Its been that way for as long as I can remember. Its been that way since before my time, and it will probably be that way long after my time. 

I remember when my resolutions were funny and reflected a life I didn't yet know, like "Eat Captain Crunch at least twice a week." (Not kidding!) and "Ask Dad for a horse every single day until he finally gives in." (He gave in. But it wasn't until this past Christmas! Better late than never!)

The last few years my resolutions evolved in to "Stop at NOTHING to finally have a family." and "Eat healthier, go to the gym more, etc. etc. etc." We haven't stopped trying, and we started eating healthier and we go to the gym. 

I'm not making those demands this year. Every year that has gone by I've started to hate myself a little more. That's not fair. There are plenty of inconsiderate and rude judgmental people out there that do enough of that for you. Why should I try to do the same to myself? They know nothing about my struggles, and yet still pass judgement. I know my struggles, I know my silent "invisible" disease. Instead of doubting and hating myself, I'm going to do my best to embrace what I have, and not what I don't and might not ever have. 

I have a husband who adores me, and would do absolutely anything for me. He's my best friend. I'm going to work on loving him just as much and more. Infertility has made me a different person, and it definitely did not make me the best wife at times. This year, he's going to know how much I appreciate him and hes never going to have the chance to doubt the love I have for him.

Were going to carry on with our new fertility treatment plan but we're going to keep a realistic outlook. If it fails the first time, we'll try again with our head up. Rome wasn't built in a day. We're going to give it everything we have, but we're going to LIVE outside of it. This time, it will not consume us. We are more than our infertility, we are more than our struggles. This year, we're going to prove that to ourselves. 

Last but not least, I'm going to stop hating my body. If there's something that could use work, I'm going to work on it. I will embrace that I can walk, talk, think, see, feel, etc. when so many others cannot. I am tired of being abused by my own mind. I have a good GREAT life. Its time I start realizing it.


Happy New Year to everyone, and good luck!

 -J