There is always something about this time of year that makes my heart hurt. Probably due in part that its a major holiday and its also closing in on yet another year that A and I didn't get to join the "family" crowd.
December of 2007 we officially started this absolutely crazy ridiculous journey. I was freshly 19, and acting on the harsh words of my previous OB. I HAD to get comfortable with having a child young, and not getting to live my twenties as a normal twenty-something year old girl should. I put off going to college to have a baby. My PCOS was labeled severe - I was told it could take several years, and a LOT of money to get a baby, and there were so many if's thrown around. My sister had a total hysterectomy in her late twenties. If I wanted my two or three child family, I needed to act, and quickly JUST in case her prognosis followed me as well.
You've read that all before, but sometimes its still hard for me to wrap my head around it all. I really did put off college for a child - I figured, the money I have now will go to fertility treatments now, then when we have our baby or babies, we can raise them until they're in school, and I can work a schedule around for me going back to school as well. It was a plan. Albeit maybe a junk one, but it was a plan.
Still, here we are, one week away from 6 whole years of infertility treatments, heartbreak, hope, and believing. And we have yet another plan, now.
As soon as my cycle starts, we begin a new to us medication, called Femara. Only this time, I get to be monitored! Of all the medicated cycles I've gone through, I have never once been monitored. I had to BEG to get a progesterone check 7dpo and even then they wouldn't call one in for me - So I asked my Uncle who is a pediatric doctor to call a test in for me. And bless his heart, of course he did it for me, and I finally got to know for sure that I WAS ovulating on Clomid, but our new doctor, Dr. K, said my eggs were probably of low quality due to my body not producing enough 'food' for them, or FSH (Follicle-Stimulating Hormone).
So our plan is, take Femara (which helps the brain produce more FSH) days 3-7, go in for an ultrasound on CD 12, and if everything looks like its progressing well, I'll get a trigger shot to force ovulation and the exact time on when to 'do-the-deed.' Two weeks after that, I get a blood test to check for pregnancy. If nothing, we continue with the same plan.
I feel optimistic and happy. I feel relieved, too. Its probably because my new doctor went over every single detail, explained everything super effectively, and got right down to the dirty details and how exactly we will be correcting them. Oh, and I FINALLY get to be monitored and know what is going on inside there!
So, there we are. In lingo, sure, waiting for my cycle, but I definitely feel it coming!
Here's a toast to renewed hope.
-J
I am angry at infertility.
I am anxious, stressed, bitter, and lonely. The extreme loss I feel everyday is absolutely unfathomable to someone who's never known the struggle and setbacks.
My infertility is not the same thing as a miscarriage, but I know their tracks run parallel together. The emotions they project on their victims are real, and poignant. Even if there happens to be a 'prize' at the end of this maze, the scars you have still resound loudly in the back of your mind, and make your heart ache.
I've spent all of my twenties and yes, even my last year as a "teenager", working on creating the family I ALWAYS saw for myself based on the remarks of my first OB.
"It's going to take awhile for you to become pregnant. I'd suggest starting as soon as you're comfortable with the idea."
How is it even possible to become 'comfortable' with infertility? Comfortable with the thousands of dollars, the countless appointments, the invasion of privacy? Comfortable with the possibility that you might never have that child you so clearly see in your mind, actually sleeping in your arms at some point?
Here I am waiting, once again, on another doctor to try and figure out why traditional medication isn't working, and what our next step will be at this time. I am SO furious with how long this has taken. The amount of money we've thrown at hope and wishes and the belief that "this is IT, I can feel it," hasn't given us answers or gotten us any closer to an achievable solution.
I usually pride myself on the strength I've had through all of this. I pat myself on the back for not breaking down the minute I see a pregnancy announcement on social medias. I applaud my many emotions for not wreaking havoc on me at strange hours of the night when I see the first photo of a newborn one of the new proud parents uploads. I try to push down my anger at the single mom who says "Do you want one of mine?" while pregnant with her 5th child. I do my best to not be bitter at the bragging parents, and the raving grandparents, aunts and uncles.
But I'm human. I'm angry. I wonder everyday what it is that I've done that has burdened me with the price of infertility. What did I do to deserve this?
Nobody deserves this. Infertility is not racist, sexist, ageist, etc, etc.
Apparently, shitty things just happen, and it really is up to you how you deal with them.
Today, I prefer to deal with it by throwing things and hating infertility with every ounce of strength I have left.
-J
