Do not lose yourself in your fear.

A new year is always a time for resolutions. Its been that way for as long as I can remember. Its been that way since before my time, and it will probably be that way long after my time. 

I remember when my resolutions were funny and reflected a life I didn't yet know, like "Eat Captain Crunch at least twice a week." (Not kidding!) and "Ask Dad for a horse every single day until he finally gives in." (He gave in. But it wasn't until this past Christmas! Better late than never!)

The last few years my resolutions evolved in to "Stop at NOTHING to finally have a family." and "Eat healthier, go to the gym more, etc. etc. etc." We haven't stopped trying, and we started eating healthier and we go to the gym. 

I'm not making those demands this year. Every year that has gone by I've started to hate myself a little more. That's not fair. There are plenty of inconsiderate and rude judgmental people out there that do enough of that for you. Why should I try to do the same to myself? They know nothing about my struggles, and yet still pass judgement. I know my struggles, I know my silent "invisible" disease. Instead of doubting and hating myself, I'm going to do my best to embrace what I have, and not what I don't and might not ever have. 

I have a husband who adores me, and would do absolutely anything for me. He's my best friend. I'm going to work on loving him just as much and more. Infertility has made me a different person, and it definitely did not make me the best wife at times. This year, he's going to know how much I appreciate him and hes never going to have the chance to doubt the love I have for him.

Were going to carry on with our new fertility treatment plan but we're going to keep a realistic outlook. If it fails the first time, we'll try again with our head up. Rome wasn't built in a day. We're going to give it everything we have, but we're going to LIVE outside of it. This time, it will not consume us. We are more than our infertility, we are more than our struggles. This year, we're going to prove that to ourselves. 

Last but not least, I'm going to stop hating my body. If there's something that could use work, I'm going to work on it. I will embrace that I can walk, talk, think, see, feel, etc. when so many others cannot. I am tired of being abused by my own mind. I have a good GREAT life. Its time I start realizing it.


Happy New Year to everyone, and good luck!

 -J