All great things are preceded by chaos.

There is always something about this time of year that makes my heart hurt. Probably due in part that its a major holiday and its also closing in on yet another year that A and I didn't get to join the "family" crowd.

December of 2007 we officially started this absolutely crazy ridiculous journey. I was freshly 19, and acting on the harsh words of my previous OB. I HAD to get comfortable with having a child young, and not getting to live my twenties as a normal twenty-something year old girl should. I put off going to college to have a baby. My PCOS was labeled severe - I was told it could take several years, and a LOT of money to get a baby, and there were so many if's thrown around. My sister had a total hysterectomy in her late twenties. If I wanted my two or three child family, I needed to act, and quickly JUST in case her prognosis followed me as well.

You've read that all before, but sometimes its still hard for me to wrap my head around it all. I really did put off college for a child - I figured, the money I have now will go to fertility treatments now, then when we have our baby or babies, we can raise them until they're in school, and I can work a schedule around for me going back to school as well. It was a plan. Albeit maybe a junk one, but it was a plan.

Still, here we are, one week away from 6 whole years of infertility treatments, heartbreak, hope, and believing. And we have yet another plan, now.

As soon as my cycle starts, we begin a new to us medication, called Femara. Only this time, I get to be monitored! Of all the medicated cycles I've gone through, I have never once been monitored. I had to BEG to get a progesterone check 7dpo and even then they wouldn't call one in for me - So I asked my Uncle who is a pediatric doctor to call a test in for me. And bless his heart, of course he did it for me, and I finally got to know for sure that I WAS ovulating on Clomid, but our new doctor, Dr. K, said my eggs were probably of low quality due to my body not producing enough 'food' for them, or FSH (Follicle-Stimulating Hormone).
So our plan is, take Femara (which helps the brain produce more FSH) days 3-7, go in for an ultrasound on CD 12, and if everything looks like its progressing well, I'll get a trigger shot to force ovulation and the exact time on when to 'do-the-deed.' Two weeks after that, I get a blood test to check for pregnancy. If nothing, we continue with the same plan.

I feel optimistic and happy. I feel relieved, too. Its probably because my new doctor went over every single detail, explained everything super effectively, and got right down to the dirty details and how exactly we will be correcting them. Oh, and I FINALLY get to be monitored and know what is going on inside there!

So, there we are. In lingo, sure, waiting for my cycle, but I definitely feel it coming!

Here's a toast to renewed hope.

-J

You will burn out.

I am angry at infertility.

I am anxious, stressed, bitter, and lonely. The extreme loss I feel everyday is absolutely unfathomable to someone who's never known the struggle and setbacks. 

My infertility is not the same thing as a miscarriage, but I know their tracks run parallel together. The emotions they project on their victims are real, and poignant. Even if there happens to be a 'prize' at the end of this maze, the scars you have still resound loudly in the back of your mind, and make your heart ache. 

I've spent all of my twenties and yes, even my last year as a "teenager", working on creating the family I ALWAYS saw for myself based on the remarks of my first OB.

"It's going to take awhile for you to become pregnant. I'd suggest starting as soon as you're comfortable with the idea."

How is it even possible to become 'comfortable' with infertility? Comfortable with the thousands of dollars, the countless appointments, the invasion of privacy? Comfortable with the possibility that you might never have that child you so clearly see in your mind, actually sleeping in your arms at some point? 

Here I am waiting, once again, on another doctor to try and figure out why traditional medication isn't working, and what our next step will be at this time. I am SO furious with how long this has taken. The amount of money we've thrown at hope and wishes and the belief that "this is IT, I can feel it," hasn't given us answers or gotten us any closer to an achievable solution.

I usually pride myself on the strength I've had through all of this. I pat myself on the back for not breaking down the minute I see a pregnancy announcement on social medias. I applaud my many emotions for not wreaking havoc on me at strange hours of the night when I see the first photo of a newborn one of the new proud parents uploads. I try to push down my anger at the single mom who says "Do you want one of mine?" while pregnant with her 5th child. I do my best to not be bitter at the bragging parents, and the raving grandparents, aunts and uncles. 

But I'm human. I'm angry. I wonder everyday what it is that I've done that has burdened me with the price of infertility. What did I do to deserve this? 

Nobody deserves this. Infertility is not racist, sexist, ageist, etc, etc. 

Apparently, shitty things just happen, and it really is up to you how you deal with them. 

Today, I prefer to deal with it by throwing things and hating infertility with every ounce of strength I have left. 

-J

Forget the risk, & take the fall.

I have been incredibly busy, and I apologize for the lengthy post. I'd like to think it's worth it to read it though ;)
I've had a few 4 page essays to keep up with in my English class, but the good news about that is they have all resulted in A's! I wrote one of my papers on Infertility, and you would think that would have been the easiest paper seeing as I've dealt with it for the last 6 years, but with all the emotions attached to it, it was hard to keep myself 'detached.' It was only an analyzing concept essay, but every time I started re-reading it back to myself, it seemed like an argument essay. Apparently I'm very passionate about Infertility!

Anyway, I apologize for not blogging since last month. Eek! I can't believe it's October - How is time going so quick?! I can't stand it! Since last month, I made the decision to go off Clomid until I see my newest RE in November. I wanted to take the time off to see if I could not exactly reverse my PCOS, but see if I could make it 'better' in a sense. I've cut out all white flours, white bread, white rice, white sugar, etc. I'm doing it slowly, so I don't knock myself back in to my old ways. I've lost 7lbs so far, and its been two weeks. Not bad! Every bit counts! I'm going to eventually work on cutting bread out completely, even though everything I've read said 100% whole wheat bread is fine for women with PCOS. I read somewhere that in every piece of bread (white bread for sure, not clear on other kinds of bread) there is either human hair or duck feathers! Gross right? Apparently it's an ingredient that helps preserve the bread for longer periods of time. Absolutely foul if you ask me. My husband said "What? That's weird." and CONTINUES to buy white bread. Siiigh. 

Since I mentioned it above, I'll go in to a bit of detail about my new RE. He used to be in a practice with my FIRST RE, Dr. Murphy. Dr. Murphy eventually moved to Pennsylvania, and I switched to a new OB, who referred me to Dr. Shamma, who is actually #4 in success rates in the entire country! He is out of Michigan, but has an office in Toledo. Score! Well, I thought it was a score anyway. He wouldn't even entertain the idea of IUI. It was IVF or nothing. Problem was.. that idea of IVF being the only option we had left scared the (excuse my language) HELL out of me. A $15,000 procedure for a 40% chance? Of course, it's totally worth it, but at 23 I was devastated.Where were we going to get the rest of the money? And of course, WHY could we not have at least two rounds of IUI? What was the problem that it wasn't even thought about? I had no idea. But, we bolted. We didn't look back. 

A year went by, I went back in for a regular check up at my OB's, and he decided to do Clomid. We all know how the 5 rounds of that went - All busts. About two and a half weeks ago I decided since I WAS ovulating on clomid (My progesterone on 7dpo this past month was 32.74! Anything over an 8.0 is ovulation!) that I would try to get a hold of Dr. Murphy's old counter-part Dr. Karnitis - Who was still in the same place that Dr. M used to be. Apparently, my father's cousin went to him years ago and got pregnant four times - her first resulted in live birth (he's 19 now and such a great kid!), her second and third pregnancies were miscarriages, and her last pregnancy was twins, but one passed away in the womb. The other twin was born 100% healthy and she is a beautiful 15 year old! An employee of my Dad had went to him and had one IVF cycle which resulted in her twin boys. My step-sister was going to him until she wound up pregnant herself about 3 or so years ago. So, he has a pretty good track record in my family alone :)

I'm thrilled. I'm scared, but I'm excited. I fought with myself about calling them and making the appointment. What if he just told me the same thing? But I sucked it up. Before I go any further, I'm going to take a quick minute to tell you a story - My Grandfather (on my Dad's side) was my absolute BEST FRIEND when I was a kid. We lived with him and my Grandma growing up, and as a result of not having my mom around, they became like second parents to my sister and I. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for him. He was the only one there when the soccer team I played on won our first 'championship' game. I got a gold medal, and every coach on that field congratulated me on an amazing game played as my team's goalie. I was unstoppable that day, and I KNOW he was so proud of me. My Grandpa had polio and cancer, and he passed away on April 13th, 2002. My Dad came to pick me up from my friends house and he actually got out of the car and one look at his face and I knew it. I will never forget that day. I was 13 and heartbroken. Even as the months passed, I swear I knew he was there. I would wake up every hour on the hour with the minutes on the clock at '23.' That was the number I wore the day of the Championship game, and I had buried my gold medal from that day with him. I'm not sure how many of you believe in psychics or mediums, but my Grandma went to see one after he passed with my Aunts and my Dad. And the lady looked at him and asked him about his 'two girls' (my sister and I) and she asked him which daughter had butterflies on her ceiling. He said he wasn't sure (I had taped cut out butterflies to my ceiling just a few days before this, and he didn't know), but she told him he needed to tell the daughter with the butterflies on her ceiling that he was okay, and that he loved her. When my Dad got home, he asked us - I have a feeling that he knew who it was (everyone had joked that I was my Grandfathers favorite when he was alive) cause he was looking right at me. I was absolutely horrified (thinking that he was going to yell at me about them!) and the look on my face must of said so. I hurriedly made an excuse that I would go up there ASAP and take them down and that I didn't think it would harm the paint cause it was just clear tape. He quickly said it was fine, but said I needed to listen to something. He took me out to his truck and turned on the radio and put a tape in the player, and I just listened. It was heartbreaking and relieving at the same time. I miss him SO much even to this day - Everyday (especially on his birthday and the anniversary of his passing) I can't help but think about how he never got to meet my husband, and I wonder if he would have liked him, etc.
Anyway, back to scheduling my appointment with Dr. Karnitis - His receptionist said he was booked pretty far out for new appointments, and the earliest day they had available wasn't until November. A little annoyed by that, I said Novembers fine. What day and what time? My heart must have stopped when she said the date, cause it was no other day than my Grandfather's birth date. November 13th. She even asked me if I was still there (of course I was!). 

I'm not one for superstition, etc., but I'm going to go out on a limb and take this as a good sign of things to come. She even said 'If I have cancellations, and can get you in earlier, I'll give you a call.' I said 'No need - I'll keep my appointment time as it is.' 

11 years later, and I know he is still watching out for me.

-J

The best is yet to come.

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& though she be but little, she is fierce.

So maybe I wasn't correct last month about the "no ovulation." I'll mention the reasoning later. But for now I'm sitting right on (new) CD6. Last cycle seemed to drag on and on so I had a lot of time apparently to research a bit more. I'm always researching because new things are always coming up in discussions boards or recommended by others OB's. I couldn't even tell you what I was looking up at the time, but I found a new supplement being thrown around and I started reading more about it. Its called 'Pregnitude.' 

On the box it says it's used for Reproductive Support and is used as a Dietary Supplement as well. I know if you have PCOS, a big percentage of us are considered overweight, so I was kind of excited it was also a dietary supplement. The 'ingredients' consist of 200mg of Folic Acid and 2000mg of Myo-Inositol. All the reviews, testimonials and board discussions I've read said there is little to no taste (it comes in powder form in a packet):

So basically what I've read is that Pregnitude helps improve egg quality, helps give you regular cycles, and can also improve insulin resistance in place of Metformin! Also, one of the best parts? NO SIDE EFFECTS. Andrew was incredibly happy about that! :)

I've found quite a few websites that have given their own reviews of Pregnitude - Here's a few:

Does Pregnitude Really Work for PCOS?

What is Myo Inositol?

Pregnitude: Does it Work?

PCOS Pregnitude Success Story

& Of course, the Pregnitude website:
Pregnitude

I did read on another site that Pregnitude basically works like Clomid - So if you ARE taking clomid, take only one packet a day for less risk of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). Since the Pregnitude says take once in the morning and once at night, I figured I'll take that in the morning, and continue with the Clomid in the evening. I took the Pregnitude this morning (well my morning, since I work 3rd shift) and I'm pleased to say that the reviews are correct - The water tasted no different to me! Usually when something says its 'tasteless', I can usually tasted a little difference at least. Not this. Phew!

I am actually genuinely excited about this cycle, and the upcoming ones. I'm taking 100mg of Clomid, I'll be using Pre-Seed for BDing, Prenatal vitamins once a day (I know! I should of been taking these a long time ago - I ran out and never got more. BAD!), and Pregnitude once a day. I'm going to try my absolute hardest to start cutting things out of my diet as well. Obviously, I'll be using ovulation strips as well, and this time since I have so many, I'm going to continue using them probably until CD 25. I heard that Clomid plus PCOS can cause you to ovulate late - I didn't know that! Maybe that's what happened last month, and I totally gave up. We'll see about this month - I'm going to try keeping better track of symptoms, CM, etc. 

I also wanted to note that the company I bought my Pregnitude off of on Amazon sent me a small packet in my shipping box:

The angle I took the photo at kind of made the words blurry but it says "This baby dust is special and is being sent to you hoping it will help your fondest dreams come true."

How seriously sweet is that? Made me tear up a bit. I was SO excited! Even on the invoice in the box it said 'GOOD LUCK! & Baby dust!!'

I guess it's the little things in life. :)

-J

I will learn to Love the skies I'm under.

Is it just me or does it feel like this has been the longest month ever? Well. Maybe not 'month.' I guess more like this cycle. It has seriously just drug on. I think its because I realized I didn't ovulate this month, so there really wasn't anything to 'look forward too.' 

I did, however, start my first year of college this week! 24 years old, and I'm just now a freshmen in college. Better late than never, I guess. It feels kind of bitter sweet though. I put off college because I KNEW I wouldn't get pregnant easy, and I knew that I needed to cut down on stress - I wanted to be a mother first. Let my child grow up a bit, then be able to attend college while he or she attended pre-school, or kindergarten, etc. I have to keep telling myself that I'm not giving up on being a mother by going to college now - I'm just re-writing my chapter. I'm getting a head start.

I can't keep continuing to live in a world all about a baby that may or may not happen. I need to do something for my husband and myself. I don't want to look back ten years from now, maybe still childless, and realize that I could of been bettering myself all that time. I have those moments now - I'd have a degree by now if I would of just started college when my high school friends did. They're growing up - And I'm still just a third shift Security Officer. Sure, we're not hurting for money per se, or a roof over our heads. Andrew has a wonderful job, and for someone with only a High School Diploma, I make great money. We're more fortunate than MANY people. I've known about our last chance of a baby being IVF for years, so we made the decision to start saving as much as we could then. I've been working on establishing my credit for just as long, and I'm happy to say its perfect right now, should we ever need to get out a loan to cover what we might not save.

My oldest sister needed a total hysterectomy by 28 due to severe endometriosis. If my PCOS starts getting out of hand to the point where maybe I'll start developing uterine cancer, I'll want to do IVF as soon as possible. Pregnancy usually reverses uterine cancer, at least for the time being. So I'm glad we made the decision to save, just in case. Its looking more and more like that's the path we will have to take to get the family we've always seen for ourselves. And, if we decide not to do IVF (a 40% chance scares me), we'll have a good down payment to start building a house, or we'll be able to buy Andrew's dream car. Either way, I really have nothing to complain about, besides my non-working uterus who refuses to do it's job. 

Trying to remain positive is ridiculously hard, especially through infertility. Sometimes, I'm so tired of being the person that everyone knows as 'the infertile' or 'the girl who can't have kids.' I can't stand it. I want everyone to start seeing me as I'm starting to see myself. Determined. Proud. Brave. A fighter. Courageous. I want them to know that I'm definitely not the person I used to be. Being broken so many times has 100% changed me. But I'm slowly realizing that infertility will not define me. I will be better than it. I will beat it. Even if its just with the way I live the rest of my life.

-J

Never Stop Dreaming.

Clomid cycle #4 (first cycle of 150mg) is well on its way. Today is CD 18, and unfortunately, I can't tell if I ovulated or not. My ovulation tests weren't very clear on an LH Surge at all. I'm not even sure if I had one, which would ultimately mean I didn't ovulate this month. 

I talked with my Dr. regarding the symptoms I was feeling this cycle in regards to the other cycles I had at a lower dosage of medication - He believes I had a very mild case of OHSS. I'm not sure if that prevents you from ovulating or might prevent you. I haven't really done much research on it as of yet. I posted the photo of my tests below. CD 17 was supposed to be the day of ovulation, so I had tested twice. Once when I got home from work, and another before I went back to work (I work third shift, get off at 8am, back in by 11:30pm). I tried enhancing the color so it was a bit easier to see.

As you can see, there's definitely a jump from CD 12 to CD 13 but the tests specifically say the LH line needs to be as dark as the control line, or darker. CD 16 was as close as it gets and still, in person, they don't match. I'm a little frustrated. I've gone through this so many times before that you would think I'd be used to this guessing and agony! I'm definitely not feeling good about this cycle now. 

Every month I try to stay positive, think positively, and just hang on to hope. I'm giving up on this cycle. Now we'll focus our efforts on next month. 

The last thing for this blog post is in regards to all the couples fighting infertility like my husband and myself. I think you finally get to a point in the Infertility waiting game when, seeing people you've come to know because of infertility, get a BFN and it breaks your heart almost just as much as it does for them. I never stop rooting for all of you. I never stop hoping for all of you. Even if your time comes where you finally get to become parents, and I'm still stuck waiting. I hold on to the fact that your pregnancy means there's still hope for me. 

I never used to be that way - I would be jealous. Bitter. Angry at you, and angry with myself for BEING angry at you. I think that's how infertility has made me grow. Like it or not, Infertility has made me a better person because I no longer take everything for granted. I realize things could definitely be worse. Maybe this is the mind set of a severely depressed, infertile woman who's on the verge of giving up for the umpteenth time - Or maybe I'm just lucky enough to know that what I have now, is just fine for the rest of my life. If this is all I get, I have more than most. Who am I to be mad about that? And while having a child would complete the family I've always seen for myself, I already have a completely whole family with Andrew. It's taken a long time, but we know we'll be parents someday. Whether we adopt, or have our own child. 

And we're going to be great either way.

-J

Strive for Progress; Not Perfection.

Today is CD 12, better known as Tuesday. Usually on this day, I start tracking my Ovulation tests. Which I WILL do. But as of right now, since it's 4am, I haven't done so yet. I definitely feel like my ovaries are getting the dose of Clomid I'm taking. Sometimes it feels like they are stretching for lack of a better way to describe the feeling. Not necessarily painful, but not entirely pleasant.

This is the first month on 150 mg, and I can't say that I had these "symptoms" the first time I took 150mg a few years back. That could be due to the fact that I had a softball sized cyst on my left ovary which was preventing the medication from working. I was kind of concerned about OHSS, but after looking up the signs, I'm pretty sure I'm safe! I think I might just be feeling it more due to the rough week Andrew and I have had. 

We both work third shift, and we play on a Co-ed softball team. We actually won the first two rounds of the 'championship' playoffs (whatever you want to call them) so we had to play until we either lost, or won the game before the Championship (which took place yesterday, Monday) on Saturday. On Thursday night, we both went to work, got home, slept from 9am until 3pm and didn't get home until after 9pm from another Softball game, and had to go straight to work. Problem with that, is on Saturday, we had another game at 10:10am. So we went basically straight from work to the game and kept winning (not a bad thing!) but we played almost non-stop from 10am until 7pm. Got home, showered, slept until 10pm and had to go right back to work. I'm pretty sure we both felt awful the entire night from being up over 24hrs and getting a little over 2 1/2 hours of sleep before going back at it! 

We lost the Championship game and came in 2nd place. Not bad for a team that had the 2nd lowest record in the league! I guess we'll get them next year! 

Anyway. This was just to update on the days, and how things are going this round so far. I can't believe its August already. I can't believe its been almost 6 years since we've been trying to have a baby. Never in my life would I have expected this. No one tells you that things might end up like this. Life definitely doesn't always turn out like they say.

Infertility can make or break a person. Sometimes for good. Here's to crossing fingers, wishing on stars, and everlasting hope.

-J

Hope is not crazy.

This post was supposed to be made yesterday. Better late than never.
I had a follow up appointment with my OB yesterday regarding whether or not Andrew and I should continue with more cycles of Clomid. After talking with us, Dr. White believes that we should continue with it, but up the dosage to 100mg for three months and see how it works. 

He says he feels REALLY good about keeping us on Clomid, due to how my ultrasounds and tests came back in February. I can't say I feel super hopeful about continuing, but obviously I have enough left in me to say yes to more treatment. He said 3 months on 100mg - If nothing then, 3 months on 150mg. Nothing then, 200mg for yet another 3 months. After that, he will refer us to yet another specialist.

By the end of all of these 'planned' cycles, Andrew and I will mark our 6th year of trying to get pregnant. Yesterday in the car, Andrew mentioned that if none of these cycles work out, we'll face facts and move on. We'll build the car he's always wanted since we'll have the money. 

If that's so, then maybe we can visit all the places we've wanted to visit, we'll build the house we always wanted, whether or not we can fill the rooms, and we'll live for ourselves. Something I can honestly say we have not done. Every moment from the past few years have been laid out around the baby we didn't yet have. We bought our house because it was near friends, and because it had the extra room to house a baby for the first few years until we could continue moving up in size. Every decision was made based on the timeline of 'IF we get pregnant this month' or 'Baby would be this age, by this year, IF we had it by this time,' and 'This would be perfect for when we have a baby.'

That's such a lonely way to live. I can't tell you how relieved I am that we finally have a deciding moment to know we've had enough of this. I know we both want a baby more than anything - But not to the point where our lives fail because of it. We deserve to be happy. Life may be the longest thing you ever do, but there's no point in wasting it with wishful thinking.

-J

Its just a bad day. Not a bad life.

When I began 'planning' this blog, my original thought was to not write in this every day unless I absolutely needed to. 
Today, a few things have been weighing on my mind for, really, no particular reason I suppose. There have been a slew of pregnancy announcements, or gender reveals, etc. on Facebook lately which always leaves me empty, so maybe that's the case.

Unfortunately, most of the announcements are from my own family, so I can't escape them. Good for them - Bad for me. Anyway, I'm making this post to let you know what few things I hate the most about going through infertility. Obviously, the not being able to have a baby naturally, or maybe not at all, is at the top of my list.

This next part, could be considered a little insensitive. To that I say, I'm sorry if I offend you.

First, NOT getting a positive pregnancy test 4 months in to trying, is NOT infertility. It's normal for couples to take at least a year before getting pregnant. If you don't get pregnant within a year of ACTIVELY trying, see your OB. Maybe you're not timing right, etc. Get checked. Figure out what's going on. This doesn't always mean you're infertile!

Secondly. Infertility and having a miscarriage... are NOT the same. Both of them are devastating to whom ever goes through them, and I would never downplay a miscarriage. I couldn't even imagine going through one. I remember just THINKING I was having one, and how much it hurt. I still don't know for sure, and I never will. But, please, do not ever compare a miscarriage to knowing how I feel about my infertility. 

Thirdly. 90% of the time... Your advice seriously SUCKS. I'm sorry, it just does. Do NOT tell me to relax, or adopt, or get drunk. Do not tell me it will happen in 'Gods' time. Do not tell me everything happens for a reason. I understand that you possibly think you're helping. The truth is, you're not. Telling me to relax is about as beneficial as telling someone with diabetes to relax and their sugar condition will magically disappear. Infertility IS a MEDICAL CONDITION. End of story. 

Lastly, for now, telling me "You can have one of mine!" or "Take my kids for the day, you'll change your mind!" is just mind blowing to me. And when you say things like that  - You make me realize how ridiculously crazy this world really is. YOU can have children... But I can't? Women who kill their children by any means can have children.. but I can't? Women who are ungrateful can have children. I can't. Do not tell me everything happens for a reason. There is no reason for child abuse and death. No reason at all.

I really appreciate you trying to talk to me, and the fact that you're trying to understand my situation. But instead of bad advice that I've heard before, wish me the best. Tell me you'll keep me in your thoughts. Please, if you do not have actual advice from your own set backs with infertility, stick to the above mentioned.

I know there is more I could add to this. I could probably type all night. But, I am mentally drained after the day I've had. I appreciate all of you SO much that took the time to read my first entry, and maybe even this one. The comments and love you showed on Facebook are really kind and makes me feel better about starting this in the first place. So again. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

-J

Stars cannot Shine without Darkness.

I've been trying to start this in the most upbeat way possible. No one wants to read a blog that's mainly depressing. But I guess when you've been going through severe depression for almost 3 years there are bound to be a few slip ups. If you take the time to read this - Thank you. You'll never know how much it means to me.

I wanted to start this blog to help myself. To vent & explain. But mostly, I wanted my friends and family, and even the people that might visit here that I've never met before to know exactly what I have been going through for the past 5 and a half years. And for those people I've never met - I want them to know they're not alone. Not even close.

I've been through multiple fertility treatments. Month after month of them. I've been through hope, then hopelessness. Up, then down. Smiles, then tears. Pretty much every emotion you can think of, I have been there. More than once. Some of them, I can only wish I'll never experience again. 

But, let me cut to the chase. A lot of you possibly reading this, I considered friends. Really, super, amazing friends. But one by one, I pulled away from each of you. I stopped texting. Calling. I stopped hanging out with each of you. I made excuses to not show up, and I cancelled on you at the last minute when we made plans to hang out. I told you I just wasn't feeling well. Or something came up. An emergency. Whatever I said - They were all poor excuses. You all made the effort time and time again, and I failed you every time. I failed myself. I let myself fall in to the person I am today, because of the things happening in my life that I tried SO hard to change, but couldn't.

I've done everything to change my circumstances. PCOS is no joke - and just like diabetes or any other ailment you can think of - I cannot magically 'relax' and have all my worries disappear. PCOS cannot be cured in the conventional way. It can be treated, and I have been being treated for it for almost 5 years. Dealing with infertility, and PCOS, has NOT made me a better person by any means. I've withdrawn from my friends. My family. Myself. There have been times when I haven't even been the best wife. I have mentally beaten myself up every single day of my life for the past 5 1/2 years that we've been trying to have a baby.

Nothing anyone can say to me, can ever compare to the things I've said to myself. I AM my own worst enemy. What you need to know though, is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being a good friend. I'm sorry for the excuses, and for not making time for you. I cannot say that all of that will change starting today. This will take awhile. But I will tell you that I'm taking the steps to make myself a better person.

Yes, I'm still dealing with my infertility, and the possible reality that Andrew and I may never have a child. And on that matter, I call myself Ambivalent. I have my days. Just like everyone else. Is all of this pain, anger, emptiness, and hate for myself worth it? I don't know. I might never know.

I just know that today, it is. Tomorrow, unfortunately, is always a mystery.


-J