Stars cannot Shine without Darkness.

I've been trying to start this in the most upbeat way possible. No one wants to read a blog that's mainly depressing. But I guess when you've been going through severe depression for almost 3 years there are bound to be a few slip ups. If you take the time to read this - Thank you. You'll never know how much it means to me.

I wanted to start this blog to help myself. To vent & explain. But mostly, I wanted my friends and family, and even the people that might visit here that I've never met before to know exactly what I have been going through for the past 5 and a half years. And for those people I've never met - I want them to know they're not alone. Not even close.

I've been through multiple fertility treatments. Month after month of them. I've been through hope, then hopelessness. Up, then down. Smiles, then tears. Pretty much every emotion you can think of, I have been there. More than once. Some of them, I can only wish I'll never experience again. 

But, let me cut to the chase. A lot of you possibly reading this, I considered friends. Really, super, amazing friends. But one by one, I pulled away from each of you. I stopped texting. Calling. I stopped hanging out with each of you. I made excuses to not show up, and I cancelled on you at the last minute when we made plans to hang out. I told you I just wasn't feeling well. Or something came up. An emergency. Whatever I said - They were all poor excuses. You all made the effort time and time again, and I failed you every time. I failed myself. I let myself fall in to the person I am today, because of the things happening in my life that I tried SO hard to change, but couldn't.

I've done everything to change my circumstances. PCOS is no joke - and just like diabetes or any other ailment you can think of - I cannot magically 'relax' and have all my worries disappear. PCOS cannot be cured in the conventional way. It can be treated, and I have been being treated for it for almost 5 years. Dealing with infertility, and PCOS, has NOT made me a better person by any means. I've withdrawn from my friends. My family. Myself. There have been times when I haven't even been the best wife. I have mentally beaten myself up every single day of my life for the past 5 1/2 years that we've been trying to have a baby.

Nothing anyone can say to me, can ever compare to the things I've said to myself. I AM my own worst enemy. What you need to know though, is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being a good friend. I'm sorry for the excuses, and for not making time for you. I cannot say that all of that will change starting today. This will take awhile. But I will tell you that I'm taking the steps to make myself a better person.

Yes, I'm still dealing with my infertility, and the possible reality that Andrew and I may never have a child. And on that matter, I call myself Ambivalent. I have my days. Just like everyone else. Is all of this pain, anger, emptiness, and hate for myself worth it? I don't know. I might never know.

I just know that today, it is. Tomorrow, unfortunately, is always a mystery.


-J