Hope is not crazy.

This post was supposed to be made yesterday. Better late than never.
I had a follow up appointment with my OB yesterday regarding whether or not Andrew and I should continue with more cycles of Clomid. After talking with us, Dr. White believes that we should continue with it, but up the dosage to 100mg for three months and see how it works. 

He says he feels REALLY good about keeping us on Clomid, due to how my ultrasounds and tests came back in February. I can't say I feel super hopeful about continuing, but obviously I have enough left in me to say yes to more treatment. He said 3 months on 100mg - If nothing then, 3 months on 150mg. Nothing then, 200mg for yet another 3 months. After that, he will refer us to yet another specialist.

By the end of all of these 'planned' cycles, Andrew and I will mark our 6th year of trying to get pregnant. Yesterday in the car, Andrew mentioned that if none of these cycles work out, we'll face facts and move on. We'll build the car he's always wanted since we'll have the money. 

If that's so, then maybe we can visit all the places we've wanted to visit, we'll build the house we always wanted, whether or not we can fill the rooms, and we'll live for ourselves. Something I can honestly say we have not done. Every moment from the past few years have been laid out around the baby we didn't yet have. We bought our house because it was near friends, and because it had the extra room to house a baby for the first few years until we could continue moving up in size. Every decision was made based on the timeline of 'IF we get pregnant this month' or 'Baby would be this age, by this year, IF we had it by this time,' and 'This would be perfect for when we have a baby.'

That's such a lonely way to live. I can't tell you how relieved I am that we finally have a deciding moment to know we've had enough of this. I know we both want a baby more than anything - But not to the point where our lives fail because of it. We deserve to be happy. Life may be the longest thing you ever do, but there's no point in wasting it with wishful thinking.

-J