Never Stop Dreaming.

Clomid cycle #4 (first cycle of 150mg) is well on its way. Today is CD 18, and unfortunately, I can't tell if I ovulated or not. My ovulation tests weren't very clear on an LH Surge at all. I'm not even sure if I had one, which would ultimately mean I didn't ovulate this month. 

I talked with my Dr. regarding the symptoms I was feeling this cycle in regards to the other cycles I had at a lower dosage of medication - He believes I had a very mild case of OHSS. I'm not sure if that prevents you from ovulating or might prevent you. I haven't really done much research on it as of yet. I posted the photo of my tests below. CD 17 was supposed to be the day of ovulation, so I had tested twice. Once when I got home from work, and another before I went back to work (I work third shift, get off at 8am, back in by 11:30pm). I tried enhancing the color so it was a bit easier to see.

As you can see, there's definitely a jump from CD 12 to CD 13 but the tests specifically say the LH line needs to be as dark as the control line, or darker. CD 16 was as close as it gets and still, in person, they don't match. I'm a little frustrated. I've gone through this so many times before that you would think I'd be used to this guessing and agony! I'm definitely not feeling good about this cycle now. 

Every month I try to stay positive, think positively, and just hang on to hope. I'm giving up on this cycle. Now we'll focus our efforts on next month. 

The last thing for this blog post is in regards to all the couples fighting infertility like my husband and myself. I think you finally get to a point in the Infertility waiting game when, seeing people you've come to know because of infertility, get a BFN and it breaks your heart almost just as much as it does for them. I never stop rooting for all of you. I never stop hoping for all of you. Even if your time comes where you finally get to become parents, and I'm still stuck waiting. I hold on to the fact that your pregnancy means there's still hope for me. 

I never used to be that way - I would be jealous. Bitter. Angry at you, and angry with myself for BEING angry at you. I think that's how infertility has made me grow. Like it or not, Infertility has made me a better person because I no longer take everything for granted. I realize things could definitely be worse. Maybe this is the mind set of a severely depressed, infertile woman who's on the verge of giving up for the umpteenth time - Or maybe I'm just lucky enough to know that what I have now, is just fine for the rest of my life. If this is all I get, I have more than most. Who am I to be mad about that? And while having a child would complete the family I've always seen for myself, I already have a completely whole family with Andrew. It's taken a long time, but we know we'll be parents someday. Whether we adopt, or have our own child. 

And we're going to be great either way.

-J